Demystifying boundaries for Latinas
If you’ve ever felt guilty before and after you set a boundary, you’re not alone.
For many bicultural Latinas, boundaries don’t just feel uncomfortable — they feel disloyal.
Many Latino families emphasize closeness and sacrifice. Filial duty, deference and service to our elders are core values that are often expected, especially of first-borns.
When you begin to assert your needs, you also challenge your family’s expectations. Your nervous system may interpret that as a risk.
You might notice:
Over-explaining your decisions
Saying “yes” to avoid tension
Feeling selfish
Bracing for a backlash
This tension is real, and it deserves nuance.
Interconnectedness, collaboration and mutual support can be a source of love, pride and strength.
But there’s a difference between wanting to connect with our loved ones and wanting to avoid criticism or conflict. Obedience sacrifices our needs, desires and basic functioning.
You may have trouble setting boundaries if:
You’re not ready to possibly change a relationship dynamic.
You’re not clear on why the boundary matters to you.
You’ve been taught that your worth comes from being of service.
You need the other person to validate your boundary before you can enforce it.
Working on boundaries involves getting curious about the thoughts that make setting boundaries difficult.
Do you have an “all or nothing” mindset that eliminates the possibility of a healthy middle?
Do you assume that you’ll always receive the same reaction or that one person’s feelings represent the entire family’s?
Do you imagine the worst and give up?
If so, a reframe might help.
Boundaries aren’t about hurting the other person. They protect your energy and acknowledge what you can and cannot handle. They allow you to show up without resentment when you do say “yes.”
Boundaries strengthen our agency and create more honesty within our relationships.
The following affirmations might help:
My worth is not tied to having no boundaries.
Boundaries allow me to show up more fully and genuinely.
Boundaries are not barriers to keep people out — they’re invitations to be loved in the ways I need.
I hope you found this helpful.
If you’re looking for a therapist who understands the unique challenges of being a first-generation Latina, click here to learn more about my work.
Click here to download my free boundary scripts and here to read my introductory blog post.
I invite you to book a free consultation at www.monicapolancotherapy.com. I’d love to see if we’re a good fit.
Monica Polanco, LCSW
Therapist for First-Generation & Bicultural Latinas in New York